no I’m freaking out because I really can’t do these nightmares anymore. They were bearable for awhile, but they’ve got horrific and over the top now. I was screaming “please just let me kill myself, i’m going to die, i’m going to kill myself, please” as Colin forcibly kissed my head and shoulders as he told me he was counting down the last kisses he would ever give me. and i was just writhing because nothing was working and i was still alive and the pain was unbearable and i couldn’t feel my hand holding the knife and Colin was still telling me “I’m breaking up with you you now, but you can’t kill yourself. you’re not allowed” but he just covered over me and kissed my head and tried to kiss my lips but I wouldn’t let him.

and that was just one of them.

how the fuck am i supposed to sleep i can’t. i can’t.